Objective Jerk
Army Veteran Asshole that is learning to love Jesus. I use my MIC / Platform as a form of "Therapy", no schedule, no script, just whatever is floating my boat at the moment.
Objective Jerk
WHEN YOUR BRAIN FEELS LIKE YOUR ENEMY. Another Battle Buddy gone too soon.
I recently learned about a fellow veteran from my platoon who took his own life, bringing back memories of my own struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. What once seemed like weakness to me, I now understand as the crushing weight of feeling like a burden to everyone you love.
• Depression convinces you that loved ones would be better off without you
• Before getting help, my untreated depression manifested as anger affecting my family
• The VA eventually provided medications and therapy that helped initially
• Finding faith as a Catholic gave me structure and purpose during dark times
• This podcast serves as my therapy since I don't have access to professional help in the Philippines
• Veterans often struggle to connect with non-veterans about their experiences
• Mental health issues, not guns, are at the heart of violence in America
• Simple check-ins with struggling friends can sometimes make all the difference
If you're having thoughts of suicide or know someone who is, please reach out and talk to someone. Even a simple "How are you doing?" can be the connection that saves a life.
Again, thanks for hanging out with me!
Please feel free to comment or send an email to theobjectivejerk@gmail.com
What's going on everybody? This is the Objective, jerk, and I'm said jerk, hope everybody's doing well. I know not everybody can say they are. I just came back from Manila. I actually came in this morning on the bus and after a few days that's what I was going to talk about.
Speaker 1:But sadly I heard of a brother in arms who had passed away by taking his own life, and so, you know, I couldn't talk about that. I mean, to be honest, you know, I wasn't. I mean, this guy was in my, he was in my platoon in a different squad. I remember him, you know, I only got. The memories I do have of him are few, but they're, you know, they're good and lighthearted. He was a funny guy, but I didn't really know him personally and I hadn't seen him 20 years. I mean, we were Facebook friends and we would share memes and stuff like that. That's about as far as it went, you know.
Speaker 1:But I mean, regardless, it just sucks when anybody takes their life and you know, when I was younger I used to think that I used to think, like a lot of people, the coward's way out, you know. Oh, they're weak, oh my gosh, how could they do that to their family or their friends or whatever. This and that that's how I kind of felt, you know. But after dealing with, you know, the depression and all that kind of stuff on my own, you know, I never, I never set a date or I mean I would think about what would happen if I, if I did in my life you know this and that, and how things would you know progress or whatever. How things would you know progress or whatever. But usually I was like you know, I can't do that to my kids, I just can't, I don't want to do that. So you know, I think I don't know, I can't say that if I didn't have my family, if I would have ever went through anything or not, I think maybe I would have. It would have been a little tougher maybe.
Speaker 1:But the thing is is when, when you're in those low, dark places, you feel like a burden to your loved ones, you know, because they're always having to deal with your. I mean, it's not, yes, you know you're depressed and you're grumpy and you don't want to go and do stuff like that, but for a person in that position, it's just it feels like straight up garbage. It's just you feel like crap and you think everyone around you is kind of getting that same vibe, even though they're not. I mean, they can probably tell that you know, oh, he's depressed or whatever this and that, and they'll try and help, do whatever. But when you are the person that's going through this, it's just crazy how your brain works and how you just you get I don't know.
Speaker 1:It's kind of hard to explain, but everything just sucks. It's kind of hard to explain but, like, just everything just sucks. You know, you don't know why. I mean you kind of do, but but you can't turn it off and you can't, it's just relentless. So you start feeling like crap, and you know you, and you don't want your loved ones to kind of have to deal with you anymore.
Speaker 1:You're like I'm, you know, I'm sick of being this unlikable person that everybody has to tolerate. That's what you feel like. You know what I mean when it's not the case, you know. I mean, you know I man, let's see, so I've gotten, I think I've gotten better. I always say that, and then it seems like I go through a period. I man, let's see, so I've gotten, I think I've gotten better. I always say that and then it seems like I go through a period. But no, there was.
Speaker 1:You know, there were times where I felt like my kids would probably be better off if they had someone else as a father. You know, like if I just remove myself and my wife found, like you know, another guy, he could be a stepdad, he'd be a better dad and everything like that. And you know it's possible, you know, but man, I don't know, I'm kind of I don't. I mean not like my podcast or ever. I don't have an outline or nothing. I never do. I just feel like talking about something and I just start going, but sometimes it seems like I have an outline and it flows a lot better. Sometimes it doesn't, but I don't know, it's just, it's kind of. So let's see.
Speaker 1:So I went through a long time with no medication, no one to talk to really, and nothing, and I just kind of kept it inside and that really gave me like like crazy anxiety and anger and frustration. You know what I mean. And so I wasn't the most level-headed father. I didn't like beat my kids or nothing, but you know what I mean. And so I wasn't the most level-headed father. I didn't like beat my kids or nothing, but you know I would blow up and then you know, yeah, what this and that, and I'd, you know, usually remove myself from to kind of get some space and get you know. So I don't, but even I mean, yeah, it's not as bad as like beating your kids, but still it's not cool. You know your kids being afraid that your dad's going to be, you know, angry and, you know, blow his top or whatever.
Speaker 1:So it's, I don't know, I don't know what I'm trying to say. It just it sucks. Sorry, I got people messaging me. Let me just where to buy them besides market, um, um, um, in in central, my wife's getting animal food because we just came back and all the animals are like out of food. So dang it. What was I saying? So, okay, I'm just kind of sharing, like my, you know, and I had problems and I didn't realize it. You know, like my wife would kind of she could see it and she would kind of try and say something, do something, but then it just kind of it. It annoys you, you know. But, sorry, I'm getting see if there's text too, from some old army buddies talking about about this too. So it's kind of distracting me. But, um, what was I saying okay, so. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I went through the first 10 or so years just kind of being, you know, I'd have good days, bad days and just I don't know, back and forth, but okay. So finally I started going to the VA. I started they put me on some you know medications and antidepressants and all this stuff, the smorgasbord of pharmaceutical stuff. And then I was seeing like a therapist and I was learning you know triggers and all that kind of stuff. So I think honestly the meds helped at first Like I think they kind of help you kind of realize and put things in perspective but then I think you need to slowly kind of stop taking it. This stuff is not meant to take forever or you're supposed to take forever. You know what I mean. So I remember I got better after I started taking the meds and I was seeing a shrink at the VA Not shrink, I guess, but therapist whatever but then here within the last couple of years, my whole depression and everything evolved and it just wasn't working like it was. So now I've gotten rid of pretty much almost everything now, medication wise, and now this microphone is basically my therapist but and I actually do feel pretty a little better trying to get, you know, physically healthier.
Speaker 1:Physically healthier, I became a Christian Catholic. I pray every day, not the greatest prayers every day, but you know I try and do the rosary as often as possible and things like that, and try to be, you know, a good Christian. You know, I know I'm not really doing it, but I'm trying right. I mean, you know, as far as you know, I'm not murdering or cheating on my wife or nothing like that. It's just, you know, I still have my language. That's my biggest thing is just kind of my dark sense of humor and everything I picked up from the Army. It's kind of hard to get rid of the dark sense of humor, dark sex, the dark sense of humor and just kind of, you know, turning something nasty and making a joke out of it, you know. But so right now I'm feeling like I'm in a pretty good place.
Speaker 1:I just kind of wonder about my friend. Yes, we weren't like friend-friends. I knew him when I was in the army and that's it. But I still, you know we were friends, you know he was my friend. But I wonder, I know he, he had a pretty solid social life, drinking and stuff and going to, like he had his favorite spots for, uh, you know, like a bar clubs, not a club, but more like a bar drinking bar. They have like a band or something. I'd see posts about that and so sometimes, you know, and I would just kind of think, like man, I hope he'd see posts about that and so sometimes, you know, and I would just kind of think, like man, I hope he's not drinking too much. So I'm kind of thinking that, you know, I'm kind of thinking I have no idea. I'm just I have no clue what his situation was, but I'm kind of thinking he just didn't have somebody like a veteran to kind of talk to personally and face to face, and I think he was probably drinking too much, if I had to guess.
Speaker 1:So that's kind of the hardest thing. I mean, I'm feeling I'm pretty good now, but it's kind of weird. Like you, I can only talk to about this with somebody that I was there with. You know what I mean. It's hard to just talk to somebody what you're going through and they're just, oh, okay, yeah, I mean, you know they might listen, they might really try and understand, but they're just, you know there's no connection there. It's hard, you know, and that's for anything and everything. You know. There's no connection there. It's hard, you know, and that's for anything and everything. You know, I never. You know somebody who was a professional ballet dancer that spent some time doing whatever doing some you know dances and they have fucked up feet. And then they try and talk to me about it. I'm not going to be able to, you know, I can't relate, you know, and then they try and talk to me about it. I'm not going to be able to, you know, I can't relate, you know.
Speaker 1:So it's just, it's you've got to have, I think, somebody, like, if you need to talk to somebody that you can kind of feel like you can talk to, and there's something about, you know, being like a combat vet that you just, you know, I mean you could talk to almost most anybody. I think I don't know. I'm trying to think if I ever talked to anybody that I didn't know at first and then, oh yeah, I was over there. You know what I mean. I don't think I have. I'm very antisocial, even if you know, like there's some old, crusty white guys here in the philippines that are most likely vets, but I don't I don't, you know, really approach them or nothing, um, even though I'd probably love to talk to them about some stuff, but like it's just weird, I don't know. That's me, though, that's not, I don't think my depression or anything. So, man, what am I talking about? This is this is crazy, okay, um, but yeah. So, yeah, my friend wonder, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Alcohol, though, is just alcohol, is the worst man. I really, every year, I hate alcohol more and more. I, I don't really, I don't drink it. Beer, nothing, I don't remember the last time I did. I mean, every once in a while I'll have like a beer or something. Like we go to a restaurant and they have some beer that I haven't had or something that's not. Oh, hey, I'll try that, you know. But even that's kind of dwindling too. I just, I don't know, man, just nothing can come, nothing ever good comes from drinking. Really, if you really look at it, you know, but yeah, see, it kind of sucks.
Speaker 1:That, say, I had a friend of mine. He's just like hey, what's up? You know an army buddy I haven't talked to in a while, but probably I'm. That's kind of how it goes. You know someone, you lose somebody. So when everybody starts reaching out to everybody, hey, everything's good. You're good, you know, because you start to feel kind of like shit, like man.
Speaker 1:If I could have just been there at that moment to be like, hey, what's up with messenger, you know, maybe you could have had a conversation and would have pulled him out of it, you know what I mean Probably felt like he didn't have anybody to really talk to and he just felt like a burden to the people he loved and he just thought they'd be better off. You know it's not like I get it. You know I understand it now. Like I said, I used to think like oh man, how would you but know I understand it now. Like I said, I used to think like oh man, how would you but? So I understand it now.
Speaker 1:But then being a Catholic, you know that's. You know suicide is not, is not an option. You know, sucks, I mean, I don know. I don't think he was Catholic or anything, so I can add him to my prayers when I do the rosary and when I pray for, you know, my loved ones that have passed on, but it, you know I'm not an expert, but basically it's pointless. You know which sucks, but you know still do it expert, but basically it's, it's pointless, you know which sucks. But you know, still do it, still add them on there, um, cause you never know, right I guess. But now definitely with my, my faith, you know, and that's another reason why finding God and stuff has helped me. So it's been. You know I don't have a therapist here, that's why, again, I talked to this microphone. But so between you know, church and God and the microphone, it seems to be helping out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know, like I would kind of like to talk to people sometimes. I thought about trying that. What is that? There's an app that you can pay monthly and you can better help. I think is what it's called. And you know I can talk to somebody. I mean it's possible. I could probably find somebody who is a vet to talk, you know, but I don't know. I mean it can happen.
Speaker 1:You know, the first lady I was assigned well, no, the first person I was assigned to the va was basically the initial um like person to kind of help explain how triggers and all that kind of stuff work. And I already had that somewhere, I can't remember where, well, it was at the va talked to somebody about this stuff. So I went and seen this woman. It was like the initial whatever, and she started talking about the stuff and I was like, yeah, yeah, you know I was able to explain this and that she's like, well, have you talked to somebody before about this? And I was like, yeah, she's like, okay, so this is kind of, this is moot, so you need to just talk to a therapist. I'm like, yes, that's, that's what I'm trying to do, you know so.
Speaker 1:And then that first person that I got, you know she was a woman, um, which I don't care, um, I, I can't remember. If I want to say, man, she might have been in the military herself and then she was married to a vet. I want to say, I can't remember for sure, though, but I remember kind of thinking like, man, I don't know, I'm not comfortable talking to this lady, but you know it didn't take long, a couple, a couple um sessions, and, and you know, I felt pretty good talking to her. So, so it doesn't have to be, you know, an army vet, whatever. This is just somebody they can connect to somehow, I guess. Plus, she was, you know, she was trained, she was a therapist, but I don't know, it's just, it's a crazy thing, it's.
Speaker 1:You know, your brain, your mind is just I don't know Like I. You know I'm getting through it, but then it's like I've had some. You know, my parents both passed away now and I think it affected me more than I thought it did. You know what I mean. Like I'm, I've always kind of not always, but I've always accepted the fact that you know, death is a part of life. We're all going to die, you know, so it's just. It's just kind of usually the circumstances is what kind of makes it like a bummer for me. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like I don't know somebody, you know, because famous people, everybody knows some famous person or whatever, and they, if they pass away, if they're old and they just died of old age, it's not sad, be like, oh my gosh, it's so sad, it's not sad. They got to live their life and do you know all kinds of stuff and they died of old age, and that's not sad, that's great, I mean it's. You know it's a bummer. But we all die, you know, so it's. You know what's sad is when children die and you know, in other circumstances, that's what's sad.
Speaker 1:So I've always kind of had, you know, a I don't know, I don't know what you'd call it, but like when my both my parents were had health issues, so I knew, you know, it was coming right, so it wasn't like this huge surprise. When they passed, I was like okay. And then it's always kind of like a little later, oh man, come on, they're like worried, they're going to buy the wrong dog food. Just get something. They can't find, the one that we normally get. What was I saying? Dang it.
Speaker 1:I was talking about, oh, come on, see, I hate. Usually I send a message saying, hey, I'm doing a podcast, so don't bother me. But I didn't do that. Um man, I totally lost what I was talking about. I'm gonna have to rewind it real quick, okay. So now I remember, yeah, so my parents when, when they passed, it was expected sort of you know what I mean. I mean it still sucks, but it wasn't Like my stepmother. She died suddenly from out of nowhere, so that kind of felt a little more jarring. I think, same with my grandmother when I was younger and I don't know it's you know. But so I've always kind of I've not been overly. I mean I don kind of, yeah, it sucks when people take their own lives and they feel like that's, you know, that's their only way out.
Speaker 1:There's so many different situations, though, you know. What's worse, though, is when people have the mental issues and they take like there was I think it was, here in the Philippines a woman decided to take her own life, but before she did, she killed her three kids by burning them alive. Like what it's like. How are you going to, like, murder your kids in your kids in one of the worst ways possible Because you didn't want them to go on with you being dead? No one would take care of them, or whatever your reasoning is, you know what I mean. It's like, at the very least, just give them something that they fall asleep and go. You know why would you burn? So that's just kind of crazy to me. But you know, like I said, mental illness and the brain is just it's crazy. It's just it's crazy.
Speaker 1:You know all the violence in America. You know, every time there's like a shooting, you have one side that's, oh, we need to get rid of guns, but it's like it's the mental health is the problem. You know what's changed? I've said this before, but what's changed? I've said this before, but what has changed in the last whatever years, people used to go to high school and have guns in their trucks and stuff. You know what I mean. There was no shootings. So you know you've got to look at what's different between now and then. It's not the guns, you know. You gotta look at, like, what's different between now and then. It's not the guns, you know, it's the medications and our mental acuity and just everything. It's like mental health is a huge, huge factor for so many things.
Speaker 1:I don't know, this was not a very good episode, not because of the subject matter, but just I wasn't really. I didn't know what to say. Um, I don't know, maybe I'll. I don't know if I'll post this or not, but anyway I've been talking for a while now and about what I mean, obviously I know, but this one was not very good anyway. Well, prayers for my buddy and his family and everything. And you know, and you know, if somebody that's kind of having those kind of issues and you're not sure what to say or what to do or like is it really, you know, just talk to them. It only takes that one. You know all you guys say is like hey, how you doing, you know, but anyway, all you guys say is like hey, how you doing, you know, but anyway, um, that's it, thanks for listening. Um, I'll see you next time. God bless.
